Under Osgiliath Smoke
by Vaya
Summary: Welcome to lovely Osgiliath, see the lovely streets, the pretty buildings, and don't worry about the TWANG ORCS! Now Finished!
1. Default Chapter

The amazing brooding ranger, Faramir, led his men to Osgliath, dragging with them the two hobbits and they're slave, guide, whatever.  
  
In the distance Osgiliath burned, which while pretty couldn't be good for the local insurance companies. Even now they ran through the streets, trying to get away from the claiments. They had explained that the fire insurance did not cover orcs, so unless they could prove that the fire was caused a potato in the oven, they were up a gumtree with out a paddle.  
  
The orcs shot them for fun.  
  
Faramir stood on the crest of the hill, doing what he did best. He knew that somehow, in the senile wastelands of his father's mind, this was his and only his fault.  
  
He was disturbed in his brooding by the squeaking voice of Frodo Baggins, who had done nothing but complain the whole way; "My feet hurt, this rope is too tight, this guy keeps grabbing me,the ring is evil and it's getting heavier and will summon all evil to it."  
  
How Boromir put up with this was beyond him.  
  
The only reason he was with them was because of the ring, which Faramir hoped would keep his dad busy so he could get in some good brooding time.  
  
"Faramir! You must let me go!"  
  
A couple of his men grabbed the little pain in the butt, thus sparing Faramir the trouble of knocking him out.  
  
They decended into the city, which was reined in chaos. Arrows, rocks and insurance claims flew all over the place. They ducked, dodged and jumped around until they were greeted by someone who seemed to be in charge.  
  
"Faramir, the orcs have taken the eastern shore. By nightfall we will be overrun."  
  
Faramir handed over the two hobbits, "Please take them off my hands, take them to my father, tell him to shut up and he'll get a prezzie."  
  
The dude in charge looked at him quizzically, "Tell his it's powerful, it'll keep him busy for hours."  
  
Frodo was doing his way out freaky look, which Faramir had decided was just a bid for attention. His gardener however, totally milked it and started yelling at Faramir, who was about to put him on ignore, when he heard the name "Boromir".  
  
"You wanna know why your brother died? He tried to take the ring from Frodo, after swearing an oath he tried to kill him."  
  
There was a dead silence (well, not really, the battle was still going on, and insurence claims were still being made). Everyone stopped and stared at Faramir, who for once showed a slight emotion.  
  
His one thought was, "Ah crap."  
  
TBC 


	2. Breathe the sweet airCOUGH!

Ahh, part two....thanks so far on the feedback. My ego is a ravening beast which must be nourished regulary.  
  
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Faramir stared at the two hobbits, one of which was trying to stare him down....er up...er...anyways, the other, Frodo, looked like he was tripping. Everyone else was staring at Faramir waiting for him to do something.  
  
Luckily, he was spared the embarrassment of actually having to break the awkward silence, by a loud, "LOOK OUT!" followed by a huge crack, as a giant boulder crashed into and destroyed one of the towers.  
  
Faramir was thankful for the momentary confusion, until he looked down and realized that Frodo was tweaking.  
  
"They're here," he said, "They've come."  
  
"Oh bloody hell, what now?!"  
  
SCREECH! came the answer. Faramir looked up and shouted, "Nazgul!", and everyone immediately dived for cover.  
  
He grabbed Frodo, who was still lost in lala land and pushed him into an alcove, "Stay here, don't wander off," as he shoved Sam in too.  
  
Faramir then went around, not really doing much, but trying to look like he had a grip on the situation.  
  
"Well Mr. Frodo, we are in a pickle now aren't we. Just sitting in the jar and soaking up the juice, we are. Can't be helped."  
  
Sam looked up at the sky, occasionally seeing the swooping fury, as men ran around looking for cover. They were hindered by their plate mail though, something Sam thought was highly impractical.  
  
"really," he thought, "what's the point of running around like a canned fish out of water? You can't run, you can't hide, and it's not like the armor can't be broken..."  
  
He shook his head, wondering at how men could be so impractical, and so didn't notice that MR. Frodo had wandered off.  
  
Frodo meanwhile, walked by the people running around looking for a place to cower, and went completely unnoticed. Which is just silly. Really, what are the odds that no one trips over the small hobbit, who isn't paying attention to where he's going?  
  
Erm, anyways, Frodo climbed up the battlements and was met by the Nazgul, who hovered before him in a highly eerie effect.  
  
"Look," said Frodo, "I'm tired, I have been on the road for months, and I am hungry, my feet hurt and its all because this damn tacky ring is evil."  
  
"I want to go home. I miss my home, and my books, and my food, and I miss smoking weed while listening to Sublime and watching old Japanese cartoons. So here's the deal, you take the ring, beat me up a little to make it look like I tried, and then I go home, back to my nice existence...ok?"  
  
The Nazgul just sat there, he really didn't care and was just itching to snatch the Hobbit up. For some reason the orders were, "Get the ring and the cute hobbit whose holding it too."  
  
"Yeah, sure whatever," it said, "Just hold up the ring and look desperate, it adds to the effect."  
  
Sam had by now noticed that Frodo was standing on the battlements, ready to give himself over to evil. Heaving a heavy sighed he started running as fast as his legs could carry him.  
  
Faramir, also noticing Frodo about to screw himself and the world over, drew his bow.  
  
Several fans in the audience, realizing that this part wasn't in the book, started yelling at the screen, not realizing that movie adaptations always make adjustments. Other people watching the flick told them to shut up and stop being such snobs.  
  
That's when the fight began.  
  
On screen, meanwhile, the nazgul had begun his decent, but Sam had managed to rush Mr. Frodo and knock him out of the way. The nazgul's beast screeched and went in for a second try, but was suddenly pierced by an arrow shot from Faramir's bow.  
  
Faramir swore. He'd been aiming for Frodo. 


	3. Ending the Holiday

The Nazgul flew off after it's beast had been pierced by the ranger's well- aimed arrow, swearing as it did. It would have to tell its master that it had failed, and the great eye's wrath would be terrible, or boring, or stupid, either way he didn't want to know.  
  
"Hey," it said to the fell beast, "if anyone asks, we never saw the hobbit with the ring, ok?"  
  
"Why should I help you," it asked, "after all, I got shot."  
  
"I'll let you gnaw on an oliphaunt."  
  
"My lips are sealed."  
  
Meanwhile, Sam had tackled Frodo and was busy tumbling down the steps off the battlements, which was way more fun than it looked. That is, until they hit the bottem and Frodo pulled his knife on him, which was confusing cause Sam was sure their weapons had been taken away.  
  
Sam just lay their though, afraid that if he moved his crazed employer would skewer him.  
  
"Now, look Mr. Frodo, you don't want to do this, I mean, if you kill me you won't have a gardener."  
  
Frodo was still glaring at him, his sword hadn't moved.  
  
"No one will want to work for you after you kill your gardener, think about it."  
  
Frodo winced slightly, then he looked upset, then he just looked tired as he groaned and sat back, letting Sam up.  
  
"This blows Sam," he said, defeated.  
  
"Yes, Mr. Frodo," Sam answered, getting up, "it does. By all rights, we shouldn't be here, we should be at home, getting smashed, chatting up the ladies, living the fun Hobbit bacherlor life. But instead here we are, dragging our sorry asses through mayham and death and war, and yes Mr. Frodo, this is the very definition of blows."  
  
Sam then got up, and looked at the sky, "But we are here, and we have to keep going, because while there is still breath in our bodies, there is HOPE! Hope that we will beat tyrrany," at this he shook his fist at the sky, "hope that we will live in a future, free of fear! Free of sadness! Yes Mr. Frodo, I believe in our cause! I believe that if we stick to it, we will be triumphant! And I believe," he said with passion and fury, "that for every drop of rain that falls....a flower grows! And with that flower springs new life! And with that new life-"  
  
"Shut up Sam!"  
  
"Ok," he said, sitting down next to Frodo.  
  
Faramir, who had been standing a few feet away and watching this, came over.  
  
"Thank you for shutting him up," he said, "I am sorry I have been such an ass, you're free to go."  
  
"Really?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Yeah sure," he said with a wave of his hand, "I didn't want you guys hanging around me anyways. Especially if you keep making speeches like that."  
  
"Excellent!" Frodo and Sam got up and grabbed their guide and made ready to move out.  
  
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the dude in charge, who came up and pointed ar Faramir, "if you let them go, your life is forfeit!"  
  
Faramir snickered, "Yeah, I'd like to see the senile bastard try."  
  
Dude in charge scowled at him, "Faramir, I won't let you get away with this one, if you let them go, I will personally make sure punishment is exacted."  
  
"No you won't."  
  
"Oh yes I will-"  
  
Faramir knocked him out with a well-placed punch.  
  
"Right," he said, "you guys," he said pointing to Frodo and Sam, "get out of here before I change my mind."  
  
Frodo looked up, nodded and then he and his party skedadled out of there.  
  
"So," Faramir said, turning to his men, "I'll tell you guys what, we just won't mention that we saw the hobbit with the ring." 


End file.
